I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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