Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
