she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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