you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
