just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
