i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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