It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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