his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Randomize
