I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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