what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
