my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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