mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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