You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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