My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
last night I used snow as a chaser
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