i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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