This dress was meant to end up on your floor
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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