I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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