I'm really into asian looking animals
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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