i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
