dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
