i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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