this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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