His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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