Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.