I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
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There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.