Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".