I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
