Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
