Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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