Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
