Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
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You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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