So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
it's great music for shaving your balls
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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