Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I met the friendliest cop last night
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
