last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
