dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
