fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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