What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
