its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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