I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
