Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
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This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
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I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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