3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
