The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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