But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
