my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
