I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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