Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
