FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
