He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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