So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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