Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
you're hired as official boob wrangler
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
