i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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