I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
