dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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