I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
