can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
