Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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