he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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