Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
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It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
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saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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