I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
