seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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