If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
