Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
