i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
