Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
We're facebook friends in real life
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Mom said you looked used
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
