Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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